I love Keanu Reeves, but seriously with that hat and that beard can’t you see him playing a horror movie killer…especially with those faces?

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In a scene that was eerily reminiscent of the 1982 Scott Baio film Zapped!, popular movie star Keanu Reeves finally put to use of some of the telepathic techniques he learned from the Matrix film series. Only instead of using them for quote-unquote “good”, he decided to have a little fun and make this woman’s top fall off instead. After all, Reeves just began his summer holiday in France and, after a few ho-hum days, he decided to kick his vacay up a notch. Reeves said, “France is fun and all, but it got pretty boring pretty fast. So I just thought really hard and KABOOMBA! That woman’s top fell off, then that one and so on and so on.” Reeves thought that the female beachgoers would object to the seemingly random acts of clothing removal, but the beachgoers surprised Reeves with their casual attitudes towards nudity. Reeves added, “Everybody has been real cool about it and just went with it. I mean, if I did this in America, surely TMZ would catch wind of it. And I don’t have to tell you this, but NOBODY likes it when that long-haired dude rips into them. Speaking of whom, does he remind you of Bodhi at all? Not even just a little?”

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At the premiere for the upcoming film, Street Kings, Keanu Reeves and his powerful phermones caused a woman to pass out from her heightened state of excitement. The unidentified woman told near by fans that she couldn’t believe she was able to get so close to the Bill & Ted star, let alone have him say something to her. She thought at the most she was going to see the top of his head, but the woman instead was able to say “Hey” before passing out cold.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

The date: October 22, 2007
The place: Mercer Street
Sighted: Walking north on Mercer street right now with a short grey-haired man. Dressed rather oddly for the weather— big work boots and snow hat. Taller, and more Botoxed, than expected.

Everyone in Hollywood is Botoxing these days. Ashlee Simpson is doing it at only twenty-three, Nicole Kidman’s forehead hasn’t moved since she was married to Tom Cruise, and no judgment on that reality will be passed here. After all, celebrities have essentially one job—to remain better-looking and thinner than the rest of us so as we watch them from our couches, eating peanut butter from the jar and wondering where our lives went, we won’t see even a passing resemblance to ourselves that makes us reflect inward. If they need to employ pharmaceuticals, illegal drugs, surgery or other life-endangering methods to make this happen, so be it. That’s why they get paid the big bucks. Plus, the alternative is horrific.

That being said, there’s something off about the idea that Keanu Reeves is now Botoxing. Say what you will about the man; he’s only famous because of his bone structure, his movie-star, vanity-band is awful, “The Lake House” was the the best time-transcending love story since “Back To the Future,” but there is one thing we can all agree on—it doesn’t seem like he showers that much.

Obviously he’s not just acting like a dirty person, at least not believably, so getting needles stuck in his skin to appear younger seems to be something he wouldn’t have the inclination to do either. Perhaps though, Keanu is smart. Maybe he realizes that his success thus far and any success in the future can only be related to his looks and he is willing to do whatever it takes to maintain them. Good for him.

I just hope he didn’t get a plastic surgery recommendation from his friend Patrick Swayze. Because that guy should have his license taken away. Yes. His license to have a face.