Back in the day when Anna Kournikova was relevant, this would have been a really cool story. You really don’t see very many female celebrities take part in bar fights. I use the term celebrity really loosely here. I will say that she at least earned her celebrity. People always trashed her tennis playing and said she only cared about her looks and modeling and sucked at tennis. I’m too lazy to look, but I would guess she got about as high as 20th in the world. Last I checked there were about 2.5 billion women on the planet which she was better than all but 19 of them in tennis. And she could probably beat over 99.5% of the men also. So, to me anyway, she deserves the status of celebrity much more than any celebutante or tard. That isn’t to say I like I her, because I don’t. But I do respect her for what she accomplished.

Anyway, as the story goes, Anna and her assistant were sitting inside Lavo nightclub in Vegas. They were in the VIP section because all assistants deserve the VIP section. They do. Especially if they work for Anna or for the actor who will be revealed on Saturday during reveal day. You like that plug? Just threaded it in right there.

So, a woman walks by Anna and her assistant and says something and some words are exchanged, but that is the end of it. Then, at the end of the night, the woman walks by again, but this time throws a drink in Anna’s face. At this point Paris would have been crying in a corner screaming, “I’m melting,” and petting her monkeys. Anna on the other hand got up and the next thing you know the two women were pushing and shoving each other while at the same time singing, “Bailamos.” Both of the women ended up with cuts and scratches and the one not named Anna ended up being kicked out of the place.

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I know lots of you can’t decide which team you are on in this debacle, and I think that is part of the fun. I go back and forth everyday depending on what happens or who said something idiotic. Yesterday though, both of them said something idiotic. In a statement from the couple released on TLC which last I checked is part of the media, the couple said, “During this very difficult time we will be working to focus solely on the needs of our family. This includes no longer commenting publicly or reacting to media stories and speculation. Our goal is to do the very best for our children and that will be done as privately as possible. We appreciate the understanding, support and well wishes from so many. Thank you.”

So, basically what this means is they are going into lock down to build up for their August 3rd show. Of course between now and then, TLC will need to shoot some video and do interviews and the cameras will be all over the place, but they are going to focus solely on the needs of their family. Fine. If you want to focus solely on the needs of your family, then do it. Send TLC out the door. Tell them to never return. Once they are out the door, then live your lives. The world is a 24 hour news cycle and I figure it will take us a few weeks to forget about you and you can live a relatively normal life. Sure, once in awhile someone will want to do an article or an interview, but you can have a relatively normal life. The thing is they won’t. They are addicted to the attention and the money and fame and won’t give it up for their kids.

Their entire statement is designed only to build up interest in their return to television. When they announce they are quitting the show, then I will believe that statement. Not until then.

In other news, Kate’s book publisher wants to hold off on releasing her next book. It was due in November, but as The NY Post put so eloquently “Suddenly, the book jacket promise — “an inside look at one of America’s most close-knit families” — doesn’t have the same ring it used to.”

Agreed. Plus she won’t want to talk to the media to promote the book. You know because of family and the kids.

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When I saw the report on TMZ today saying that Michael Jackson was not the father of his children, it wasn’t exactly the greatest shock ever. Did anyone really think they were his kids or his sperm? Seriously? I don’t know what the big fuss is. What did shock me was that someone did come forward and admit that two of the children were his. According to Arnold Klein, he is not only Debbie Rowe’s former boss but also the father of Michael’s children. Klein always said he would never reveal that he was the parent and that lasted all of about four days after Michael died. From what I understand though, Klein says Debbie Rowe is the mother and that is not true according to the TMZ reports. From what I understand is that no one knows who the father of Blanket is, and only know the name of the mother.

I think over the course of the next few months we will find out some very interesting things about the life of Michael Jackson. Then after about a year there will be a rash of books which will make some truly outrageous claims. Whether they can be believed or not will be an open question. Think about how how many family members who would love to write a book or sell some rights to a movie and make some money. Lots and lots of books will be written.

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There is a whole lot of Michael Jackson. It’s crazy. I could really write about it all day and never touch the same topic twice. The problem is that this will be going on for a few months and if I write five posts daily on Michael everyone will be sick of it when actual real news comes along and not the figments of the imagination of tabloid editors.

So, with that in mind I wanted to find other juice to discuss and it was either how the Academy is going to screw over the one part of the show everyone likes by not having a Best Song category every year or we could talk about John Edwards and how he gets more pathetic by the second. The Oscars decided that songs were being given awards based on how well they sold and not by how they contributed to the movie and so from now on when voters vote if no song receives a high enough score, the Academy just won’t include the award that year. Huh?

The reason some people watch the show is to see the actual singer perform the song that goes with the movie. There is usually some great drama about it also. I have no idea what the Academy is thinking, but they are getting more and more f**ked up.

Speaking of f**ked up, one of John Edwards’ aides and the other choice for father of the baby, Andrew Young just signed a book deal with a publisher. According to the NY Daily News, Andrew tells a lot. He says that John and Rielle Hunter made a sex tape and then left it in a box where Andrew found it. Andrew also says that John & Rielle wanted to get married when Elizabeth died and even discussed what music to play at the wedding. I know, I know. This is some good stuff and just throws even more on to the how disgusting is Edwards pile.

On the political side, the book says that Edwards and Kerry disliked each other and that until Edwards affair became public knowledge that he was going to be the VP candidate of Obama or Attorney General.

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Radar Online is jabbering away about how Vanessa Lemon Jello and Topher Grace hooked up over the weekend. I think the tabloids need a consistent definition of what constitutes a hook up and what is messing around and what is what Lindsay Lohan does with a roomful of guys? See? Different things.

Apparently Topher and Vanessa kissed a little and did some dirty dancing. They left a party at the same time also. So, does that mean they hooked up? I think they messed around a little, exchanged phone numbers and quite possibly hooked up. I think hooking up implies sex or we should at least get the idea there was some sex involved that night. Messing around is a little kissing and groping at a party that may or may not be alcohol motivated. There could be lots of it with lots of people, or it could just be one couple. When I think of messing around, I don’t think it involves sex.

Now, what Lindsay Lohan generally does is mess around with lots of guys and then hooks up with one at the end of the night. In the always equal opportunity world of scuzzery I would say this is the typical night of Jeremy Piven as well.

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Katherine Jackson is a horror story waiting to happen. Earlier today she filed a petition to become the guardian of Michael’s three kids. Not only no, but hell no. This would be the worst possible thing to happen to those three kids. Can you imagine being in a house with Katherine and Joe Jackson? Those kids are already probably messed up. The last thing they need to do is be surrounded by people who I don’t think care one bit about them, but are instead after as much money as they can possibly get.

See, guardians need money to take care of all the little kiddies. With three little kiddies and all the expenses, Katherine and Joe will be living really well off those three kids. The whole process works in a very similar manner to the way Britney’s money is managed by her dad. He gets a fee for doing the work. The thing is that I trust Britney’s dad a whole lot more than I trust Katherine and Joe Jackson.

I don’t care what kind of court supervision there is over them, letting Katherine Jakcson be put in charge of the kids and their money is the worst thing that could happen in this case. She already had her chance with her kids and I think we see how that all turned out. There has to be one normal person in the family. Find that person and give them to that person. Then, if Katherine wants to visit the grand kids she can do that. I bet she won’t though when she realizes she won’t get money for seeing them for a few hours on the weekend.

Right now she has been granted temporary guardianship until August 3rd. Between now and then a court investigator will go look at the Jackson house and interview the kids. The older ones will get a say in what happens to them. Please, oh please do not let this woman get these kids.

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In an interview this past week, Rihanna’s dad said that he couldn’t believe Chris Brown wasn’t sentenced to jail for what he did to his daughter. “He should be in jail. Chris should have been sent to jail for what he did to my girl. He’s got off lightly. Chris put her through hell.”

I know I am old and I have a faulty memory at times, but wasn’t Rihanna’s dad saying at the beginning of all this that the couple was good for each other and would work this all out? Am I wrong in thinking it was the guy who didn’t seem to care that his daughter had been beaten? Why did he change his mind all of a sudden now? Oh, yeah, because he wanted some attention so he drums up some outrage that he didn’t have when his daughter was a bloody mess and could have used some support from dad instead of his wishy-washy, don’t want to make Chris mad in case I need a loan or favor from him in the future attitude.

I think now, Rihanna’s dad realizes no one cares about him and so just like Michael Lohan, he is trying to make himself relevant so he can read about himself in tabloids and feel important. I hate that.

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Billy Mays was my favorite infomercial guy. I liked him because he kept me entertained and didn’t throw out a whole bunch of fakery with his pitching. I contrast that to the woman who does that whole pizza pocket looking thing where she thinks the entire world wants every product to be cooked in the shape of a square or triangle. She annoys me. Not to say that I wouldn’t eat all the food she puts in front of me because I would. I’m just saying that I always feel like she doesn’t believe in her product and is doing it for a paycheck.

Billy on the other hand loved his products or at least made you feel like if you didn’t buy his products you were a fool. So, of course I have a lifetime supply of Oxi-Clean and enough orange scented cleaner to make me feel like I live in an orange grove.

All weekend long people suspected Billy died like Natasha Richardson. Apparently Billy had a rough landing on a US Airways plane and bumped his head. He told people about it and so when he died people just assumed he had a concussion and didn’t go to the hospital and died in his sleep. It turns out though the bump had nothing to do with it and instead a lot to do with the fact he had heart disease.

I wonder if they will still run all his infomercials. I guess they will have to. I won’t mind and it won’t creep me out. Plus even though he has died he is still going to do a lot better job selling than most other people.

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