No celebrity was safe from Chelsea Handler’s razor wit during her sold-out Carnegie Hall show Friday night.

“I can’t stand Angelina and all her babies,” E!’s “Chelsea Lately” host said. “Maddox probably thought he hit the jackpot, but then Angelina proceeded to take him to every other Third World country on the planet. He’s probably like. ‘B—-, when the (bleep) are we getting to Malibu?”

The comedienne also offered the crowd her thoughts on ex-“View” host Star Jones: “Some people were a——- the day they were born, and Star Jones was definitely born an a——,” and laughed of David Hasselhoff, “Can you imagine having sex with David Hasselhoff while he was looking at himself in a mirror?”
Handler’s celebrity roasting is generally good-natured, but Howard Stern’s sidekick Artie Lange is the one nasty exception. “Someone told me that Artie Lange said I was the most untalented person on television, and I’m like, Artie Lange is fat and disgusting,” she confided to us before her show. “He has no business talking about anyone’s talent, ever. I can’t stand him.” Chelsea then offers up a challenge.

“If anyone sleeps with that man, without being paid, I will pay them $500, if they can prove that they had sex with him and he did not pay them.” Along with Handler, we played her favorite game “(Bleep), Kill or Marry,” using men she might actually consider sleeping with including fellow E! networker Ryan Seacrest, Fabio and Tom Cruise. “I would marry Fabio because it would be such good material for the rest of my life. I would have sex with Tom Cruise because he’s hot, and I would have to kill Ryan, only because I don’t want to have sex with Ryan and I don’t think I could live with him. I love him, but he’s so metro. I would have to kill Ryan, but I wouldn’t be happy about it because I like him, we’re friends.”

If Seacrest is lucky, he’ll grab himself a role when Handler’s best-selling novel “My Horizontal Life,” hits the big screen. “Barry Sonnenfeld just bought [second book “Are You There Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea”] for TV, and the first book is being adapted for a film,” the funnywoman reveals, adding that she’s also in the process of writing a third book. “I’m going to call it ‘Memoirs of a Shiksa’, ‘Tuesdays With Chelsea’ or ‘The Audacity of Jews.’ ” she says, before saying in true controversial Chelsea Handler fashion, “I’m really leaning towards ‘The Audacity of Jews.’ ”

As for Handler’s famous penchant for vodka, even 13-year-olds know the way to the comic’s heart, er, liver; one teen presented the comic with a bottle of Grey Goose onstage, which she all too readily accepted.

Utah’s arcane alcohol laws didn’t stop Cuba Gooding Jr. from having a good time while at Sundance. The overserved Oscar winner was having a rip-roaring good time last week according to one witness. “He was wandering down Main St. with two shopping bags from 7-Eleven and a pizza box,” laughed an onlooker. “He was screaming that he had stolen the pizza from someone and kept offering slices to random people on street. No one really wanted a slice,” our witness said. Gooding’s rep denied the incident saying, “This so-called witness was the one overserved.”

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The late Heath Ledger continued his awards sweep Sunday at the Screen Actors Guild Awards.

He was named best supporting actor for his role as the Joker in The Dark Knight.

Costar Gary Oldman accepted the award.

“I am quite emotional,” Oldman said. “It is a great honor to be asked to accept this on behalf of Heath. He was an extraordinary young man with an extraordinary talent, and it is wonderful that you have acknowledged that and honored that talent tonight.

“On behalf of Heath, his family and his family on The Dark Knight, I thank you.”

On Jan. 22 - the first anniversary of his death - Ledger received an Academy Award nomination.

“Although we would love to have him here with us, we are so proud and so excited on his behalf,” his sister Ashleigh Bell said. “In Heath’s words, he had the time of his life portraying the Joker and said that it was the most fun he’d ever had working on a film.”

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Nancy Wells & Steve Carell
Shawn Pyfrom
Susan Sarandon
Tina Fey (love her, but this seems way too casual)
Taraji P. Henson
Teri Hatcher (I feel like I’m watching a fabric softener commercial)
Tracey Ullman
William Shatner

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Idina Menzel, Taye Diggs & Rainn Wilson
Mindy Kaling
Mickey Rourke
Michael Sheen
Nicolette Sheridan
Olivia Wilde
Paula Abdul (with her tribute to the mullet)
Penelope Cruz
Rosario Dawson (one of the best dressed)
Robin Wright Penn & Sean Penn

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Julie Benz
Julia Ormand
The Bacon Family
Kal Penn
Kate Winslet
Laura Linney
Marcia Cross
Michael C. Hall & Jennifer Carpenter
Marisa Tomei (Worst dressed and just looks really ticked off at the world. Probably because she wore that dress.)

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30 Rock
Entourage
James Denton
James Earl Jones
Jenna Fischer
Jon Hamm & Jennifer Westfeldt
January Jones
Jane Krakowski
John Krasinski
Jennifer Morrison

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Emily Blunt
Emile Hirsch
Eva Longoria
Evan Rachel Wood
Fred Armisen & Elisabeth Moss
Slumdog Millionaire
Gary Oldman
Holly Hunter
Hugh Laurie

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Christina Applegate
Claire Danes & Hugh Dancy
Christina Hendricks
Dana Delaney
David Duchovny
Kyle McLachlan & Desiree Gruber
Diane Lane & Josh Brolin
Diego Luna

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